Change: It Is Your Choice

It is amazing to me, how well you are able to verbalize your feelings, in such an organized fashion. I still feel like all words coming out of my mouth are, blah, blah, blah. I want to write so badly, I know it would be good therapy. Again, I applaud you for your bravery, strength, and gift of the written word.

BTW: I think you found what you COULD do VERY WELL when you grow up. You are already doing it.

Thank you for inspiring me daily!

Missives by Michelle

My Step-Mother (DJ) and I are walking a parallel path in very different circumstances. We are both grieving a death of a loved one. She grieves the death of my Dad, her soul mate, and I am grieving both the death of my Dad and my marriage. The difference is that my Dad is gone forever and my ex-husband is alive and with another woman. DJ lives in an empty house full of memories mourning their daily life. I am reminded daily of my loss as I am a single parent to our children and watch my ex living his life with someone else.

When DJ and I call to check in on one another we constantly find ourselves saying “I don’t know”. Today as we were talking she said, “Are things ever going to be okay for us. I guess they have to be.” I replied, “Everything will be…

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Show Them the Door

Awesome exercise! Thank you.

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

You find an uninvited man standing in your living room.

He’s not saying or doing anything.

Just standing there.

What do you do?

Do you pretend that there is no man standing in your living quarters as you go about your daily life denying that he is there?

Do you insist that there shouldn’t be a man there and persist in your assertions even as he stands there?

Do you try to convince yourself that there isn’t a man there, that maybe it’s just a trick of the light?

Do you talk yourself into believing that it’s not a man even if it looks and acts just like one?

Do you consciously ignore the man hoping that he will get the message and just go away?

Do you distract yourself from thinking about the man with an afternoon cocktail or endless work?

Do you attack the man in anger, trying to…

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July 26th: Going to the Well

Daily Divorce Meditations

Sometimes we get caught up in old behaviors.
My favorite one was “going to the well.”
I had spent years trying to get what I needed emotionally from my husband and…
Sometimes… I got it.
Sometimes… I didn’t.
He was never consistent with his emotions.
I never knew from one day to the next if he would comfort me or make me feel worse.
One day, a person that I greatly respect, said something that made me become aware of what I was doing.
He said:
“Your spouse is like your drug. He is very intoxicating because you never know what you are going to get. So, you keep going to the well looking for more.”
I asked him to explain his statement.
He continued:
“When you are addicted to alcohol and drugs, you go to the “well” again-and-again to drink or use and make yourself feel better. But sometimes……

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The Stages of An Ending

This is helpful, and confirms my feelings are part of grieving. Wish STBX would read and understand why I feel so out of control.

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

Ever since Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the 5 stages of grief to describe the emotions that terminal patients experience, similar stages have been used to describe loss in all its forms. These descriptions are helpful; they help to confirm that our wildly fluctuating emotions are normal and okay while also providing hope that we can progress out of a current stage.

This article from Psychology Today  is one of the better descriptions of the stages after the end of a relationship that I have read. However, I experienced a couple stages that are not described.

How about you – what stages would you add?

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Are Expectations Dooming Marriage?

Very true!

Lessons From the End of a Marriage

Expectations.

We build them up.

We revel in them.

And then, all too often, reality dashes them.

We hold them – the expectations and the actual – side by side and look for flaws, not unlike the drawings in the Hallmark magazines of our youth.

And we curse reality, bemoan our bad luck or grow angry at those who contributed to the failure of the imagined.

But maybe we’re directing our outrage the wrong direction.

Maybe it’s not reality that needs to change, but our expectations of it.

And now, more than ever before in history, we have very high expectations of marriage. Men and women no longer operate in defined domestic spheres, opening up vast swaths of terrain open to negotiation and yes, expectation. We are serenaded with romantic stories with all of the rough edges Photoshopped into perfection and we grow to expect our marriages to play out…

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Starting over, by Surprise